


The Begining

by Lili_Everlost



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Kid Fic, M/M, Rape, Rape Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-03-03 18:41:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13347204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lili_Everlost/pseuds/Lili_Everlost
Summary: Jim and Spock's beginnings and how they met and came to take care of one another. Trigger Warning make sure to read Authors note.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author's note  
> This is not a happy story. If you are reading this hoping for cute Spirk moments and happiness. Close this and find a different story. This just in what I have written so far has rape, suicide mentions and an attempt, abandonment, and self harm. And as it gets farther will have more of the same. I am awful to Jim in this story especially, but Spock isn't safe from it either. I will try to make sure to add trigger warnings to the top of each chapter as well as a reminder. But this will have a happy ending...I hope. I'm not sure quite where the story will take me and will add more to the tags and everything as I figure it out.  
> I also switch perspective a lot so there will be a break and the persons name in all caps of whose perspective it is each time. Also direct thoughts are in italics

TW-Rape, abuse, suicide attempt (kind of)

 

JIM

     Fear coursed through Jim’s body as he hid in the tiny crawlspace behind the closet of his bedroom. Frank was drunk again and that never ended well for him. Last time it ended in a broken arm and worse that wasn’t visible. _Maybe this time he won’t find me._ As much as he sincerely hoped that would be the case, but realistically he knew Frank always found him and with Sam gone and his mom still in space for the next two weeks who knows when or if he would stop this time _Maybe he’ll kill me...be better than this._

     “Get out here you little fucker!” He heard from inside his room. He flinched and covered his mouth to try and hide his hyperventilating. The door to the closet was thrown open.

     “James I know you’re in here somewhere”

     Suddenly he was grabbed by the ankle and dragged out of the crawl space. He heard himself yelp in surprise and fear. The grip on his ankle was so tight he could feel new bruises forming. Not that that would matter he was sure he would have more than a little bruising by the time Frank finally passed out.

     “See James I always find you.” He picked Jim up and carried him to throw him onto the couch.

     He landed hard on the couch hitting his head on arm. He tried to scramble away when frank pulled away to drink some more whiskey from the bottle he had been working on for the last hour. When he heard the bottle hit the table again he felt hands sneaking under his shirt _No not again_ His shirt was pulled off followed by bruising kisses and his pants being unbuttoned. The next thing he knew he was naked. Franks pants followed his thrown on the floor. _No no no no no no no._ He heard a noise _A door?_ as Frank flipped him on to his stomach and towered over him touching him in ways he didn’t want to feel. A hardness started to press into him when there was a crash and a shrill voice screamed.

     “What the fuck are you doing?” _Mom!_ Frank was ripped off of him and thrown to the floor. “You better get the fuck out of my house!” His mom warned. He sat up trying to cover himself but only revealing more of the bruising from previous days.

* * *

 

WINONA

     “What the fuck are you going to do about it you frigid bitch?”

      Winona Kirk saw red as she noticed all of the bruises covering her son. She pulled her phaser out and stunned him several times. Then she pulled her communicator out and called the police to come get him. Finally she looked at Jim as he tried to cover all of his bruising and nudity from her.

     “Jim.” She started not knowing what to say.

     “Mom why are you home? I thought it was going to be another couple weeks.”

     “I got a notification from the school saying you hadn’t been there for over a month and they were dismissing you. I came back to make sure you were okay and I’m so glad I did why didn’t you comm me? Tell me what was happening?”

     Jim gave a sarcastic chuckled. “I tried mom. Remember I told you the very first time he hit me and the first time he touched me. You thought I was making it up because I didn’t like the bastard.”

     Winona thought back wincing when she realized both that he was right and how long ago that was. She pulled Jim into her arms and he let her. “I’m so sorry Jimmy...that was three years ago. H-has this been going on ever since then?”

     He nodded obviously not wanting to talk about it anymore. He reluctantly let her look at his bruising and she found that most of it wasn’t too serious and would heal on his own but it looked like a couple of his ribs might be broken. She had to get him to a hospital to get that looked at.

     When the police arrived they took one look at Jim and hauled Frank away. _Hopefully that’s the last of him we have to deal with. I can’t believe I let him do this to my baby. I can’t believe I didn’t know. I shouldn’t be a mother. One son has all of this happen to him and another son gone living with George’s parents in Florida probably because of the same thing._

     “Hey do you mind if I go to bed?” jim asked obviously exausted.

     “Sweetie we really need to get you to a hospital. I’m pretty sure you have a couple broken ribs.”

     He groaned so dramatically she almost smiled. He had always hated hospitals. Despite his protests he quickly got dressed and followed her to the car. He seemed more subdued than normal, usually he was so animated and mischievous it would have taken hours of fighting and escape attempts before a hospital visit, but right now he just accepted it. He moved like a zombie, flinched at any unexpected sound. It scared her. T

     The hospital patched him up and set up appointments for both her and Jim to meet with a therapist in the next few days. Through it all Jim barely spoke. He just stared off into space as if nothing were going on around him. A few times she tried to check on him. See if he was going to be okay but when ever she asked he just nodded still not looking up or seeming anymore present in his mind.

     When they got back home he went to his room without a word. She started to follow but he shut and locked the door. After a while, figuring he was probably asleep by now she went to her room and opened up her communicator dialing the only person she could think of.

     “Pike here.”

     “Chris I-” She heard a sob escape her throat.

     “I’ll be right there Nona.” She smiled through her tears as she heard the nickname George had always used. Christopher Pike beamed directly into her bed room and armed and looking extremely worried.

     “You didn’t have to come that fast. Did you just beam to my house with a phaser set to kill out and ready to shoot?” She laughed a bit trying to get the tears under control.

     “You sounded devastated. I figured someone was hurt or dead or needed to be one of the two. What’s wrong Nona?”

     “I’m not fit to be a mother. I came home to- oh god and he tried to tell me but I didn’t- three years Chris.” She sobbed unable to finish some sentences and barely mumbling the rest.

     “Winona. Stop breathe. Don’t try to explain until you can. I’m here I’m not in any hurry. Just tell me what you can. When you can, and I will see what I can do, but I promise you whatever happened is not your fault.”

     Slowly She told him what she came home to find, the extent of his injuries, and his weird behavior as well. When she finished he looked close to murder. He explained that none of it was her fault other than not looking into it when Jim brought it up, but who wants to believe that of someone they care for, and calmed her down telling her Jim would recover and that she was meeting with his therapist tomorrow and he would be the next day. They talked about the situation until the sun started to rise.

     “I can’t stay here Chris. I can’t make Jim stay here either. This house is tainted, hell this whole town is. This is the last night either of us are sleeping here.”

     “That’s not surprising. I can get you a starfleet apartment in San Francisco for now and you can figure out what you want to do permanently. You have six months leave already approved. Figure out what you want. Both where you want to be and if you want to continue with starfleet. If you need more time let me know I’ll make it happen.” She hugged him in relief.

     “I hate to do this but you should go. I don’t think having a man in the house would be good for Jim even if it’s someone like you that he trusts.”

     He nodded and left leaving Winona to fall asleep to her self destructive thoughts.

* * *

 

PIKE

     Chris hated leaving Winona in that state, but he knew she was right. Besides he had work to do. _More like people to take care of._ His brain added darkly. Frank Donovan had been a thorn in his side for years. He never liked the way Frank had talked to Winona and the boys even less, but it wasn’t his place to say anything. He was just a family friend, but he loved Winona and he thought of those boys almost as sons. He had been George’s best friend, that in itself meant he would do anything for them, but beyond that he had loved Nona for years. He had actually introduced the two of them. Losing her to George was one thing. George had always been good to her and he would have been an amazing father, but scum like Frank never should have touched her. He should have made his interest known earlier but he always worried it was too soon after George even five plus years later.

     He shook his head to clear the thoughts of love and lost friends. _The past is over all I can do now is make sure that creep never gets near them again._ He had called all the best lawyers in the country. If he had his way that piece of shit would never see daylight again. _And we all know what happens in prison to people who hurt children. He won’t last long at all._

* * *

 

JIM

     Jim knew his mom had been up all night with Pike, he appreciated the thought when she had him leave, but it wouldn’t have mattered. Chris being there wouldn’t have made the numbness that overcame his brain when he realized he wouldn’t have to deal with one more day of Frank go away. It wouldn’t have made him worse or better. Right now he just existed and sometimes he wasn’t even sure of that. Sometimes it felt like this was all a dream that was going to be ripped away from him by clammy hands touching where they shouldn’t. Other times he would just check out completely and for a while it was like there was no Jim Kirk.

     He snuck out the front door while his mom was sleeping. He knew he shouldn’t and that it would worry her even more, but he needed to not be in that house. He needed to run. No what he really needed was even faster than that. Sneaking back inside he grabbed the keys to his father's old corvette. _Maybe this will make me feel real._ Sam had kind of taught him how to drive once how hard could it be it's a couple of petals and a steering wheel. He started up the car and peeled out of the driveway. Through town he tried to be slow and careful but as soon as he was away he started speeding up to dangerous levels. He saw flashing lights behind him. _No no no no no I can’t go to jail Frank is in jain._

     Panic tore through the numbness that had overtaken him the night before. To his left he noticed a cliff in the distance. Sharply he turned the car in that direction, speeding up even more. The cliff got closer and closer and he didn’t know if he wanted to go over with the car or not. The adrenaline pumping through his veins as he sped towards death. At the last second he jumped out of the car barely making it before the car went off the cliff. The cops skidded to a stop before they reached the edge and practically jumped out of the car.

     “What the hell are you doing kid!” One shouted before he realized that Jim had curled up on the ground crying his eyes out. The other shushed him before slowly walking over to Jim.

     “I don't wanna go to jail I don't wanna go to jail.” Jim repeated over and over tears streaming down his cheeks. The cops noticed the bruises around his throat and realized that this must be the kid who was hurt by the guy they brought in last night.

     “Hey hey shush it's okay we just want to take you home. We aren’t taking you to jail.” She said in a soothing voice slowly trying to approach him at the edge of the cliff. He calmed down at her words and allowed himself to be led away from the cliff and into the cop car. No one talked until the reached his house during the drive his adrenaline wore off and the numbness came back over taking his mind and leaving him a zombie to the rest of the world.

     When they left his mom came in to his room and sat next to him on the bed. She looked like she had been crying again.

     “Jim-” She started looking unsure how to proceed, “What were you doing?” She said in a soft tone like she was worried more than angry. He didn’t know how to react so he just shrugged. “Were you trying to kill yourself?” He shrugged again. He didn’t even know the answer to that how was he supposed to give her an answer. She sighed.

     “I have an appointment in an hour. In light of what just happened you have a couple choices because I don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone. I can either call Chris to keep you company and if it would make you feel more comfortable one of his female crew members could come too, or you can sit in the waiting room. It’s your choice whatever would make you more comfortable.”

     “Chris is fine. I trust him. I’ll be in my room anyway.”

     “Okay, but start packing we aren’t staying here tonight. Chris is getting us set up in starfleet apartments for now and then we will decide what we want to do.”

     He nodded he had already started after he heard them talking this morning before Chris left. He had never liked this house and now he hated it every place had a foul memory attached to it. He heard his mom call Chris and closed his door to start packing.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't as bad as the last just references to what happened. I'm going to try and update this at least once a week, but I mean life happens so I can't promise anything. Let me know what you guys think though.

 

WINONA

 

     As she walked into the therapist's office she wondered why this is even necessary. They were moving tonight wouldn’t switching counselors just be more stressful. She started to turn around, changing her mind they would get these things sorted once they were in San Francisco, when a kind voice called after her.

      “Winona Kirk?” She turned back around with a tight smile ready to tell the woman that she needed to cancel the appointment, but was stunned by the woman's kind eyes she looked genuinely concerned for her. “I’m Amanda Grayson. I’m going to be meeting with you and your son?” Winona sighed apologetically.

      “I’m sorry Mrs. Grayson. I need to cancel our appointments we are leaving the state soon and honestly I’m not even sure we will be on the planet much longer. I don’t think getting set up with someone in a place we don’t want to return to is the best plan.” Amanda smiled brightly at her. 

     “I guess Pike didn’t mention it yet. I am a psychologist that works with Starfleet and other groups that move around a lot. I will go where you go until neither of you need me or choose another therapist to see.” Winona was surprised personal therapists like Amanda were extremely expensive and she was sure Starfleet wasn’t covering it.  _ That leaves Chris...why would he?  _ Confused she followed Amanda into her office. After telling Amanda the who situation so that Jim would not have to tell her everything himself she looked like she would cry for him. She noticed a picture of a small vulcan boy a little younger than Jim.  _ He looks so serious. _

     “Is that-”

     “My son Spock. I think that picture was taken two years ago. I had just told him to smile for the camera. He was just about to launch into the illogicality of faking emotions that he as a vulcan “did not have” just for a simple photograph.” She chuckled softly running her fingers over the photo affectionately. “So you’ve told me what happened to Jim and how he is handling it so far, but how are you holding up, as a mother this has to be hard on you as well.” 

     Winona sighed and told her where her mental state has been and before either of them knew it they had talked for over two hours. Winona was emotionally exhausted, but also felt much less self destructive than she had since last night.

     “Alright so here is what I’m thinking. Both you and Jim will have weekly sessions with me and of course I will also be available anytime if either of you is having a really hard time and need to see me outside of that.” And with that she headed home. 

     To her surprise Chris already had the house packed and some of it already beamed over to her new apartment. The rest of the moving process was easy and they all said goodbye to Riverside without looking back.

* * *

 

AMANDA

 

     Amanda walked into the door of the hotel she and Spock were staying in with a sigh. The Kirk family’s situation concerned her. It broke her heart seeing anything like that happen to a child. She shook the thought out of her mind she couldn’t bring her work home with her it wasn’t fair to Spock. 

      She had left Sarek half a year ago and since then Spock had been a bit...unsure. He went from trying to be the perfect Vulcan to breaking down and rejecting Vulcan ideals completely. According to healer they had consulted his parental bonds were just slightly damaged and he was questioning his place in the world being half vulcan. All Amanda could do was be there for him and accept him regardless of what he decided to embrace. She missed Sarek but she refused to accept him forcing their son into his idea of a perfect vulcan. Setting her stuff down she noticed the suite was extremely quiet.

      “Spock?” She called worrying for a moment that Spock had gone somewhere alone.

      “I am meditating mother.” Came the even reply from behind one of the beds.  _ Perfect vulcan it is today.  _ She thought with a smile settling in with a book. 

 

* * *

 

JIM

     The new apartment was empty, both of furniture and belongings and of memories. Jim appreciated it more than anyone knew, but he still felt numb. The memories of the old house had hurt like a red hot knife stabbing into his stomach. They had suffocated him every moment he was in the house, the pain had ripped through his numbness, which was the shield that his mind created so that he wouldn’t fall apart. But here? Here he could hide in it. Here he could just be whatever he needed to be to get through this. A soft knock came from his door.

     “Jim? You’re appointment is soon we have to go meet Mrs. Grayson and then head to the school to get you enrolled.” He sighed resigned.  _ I can deal with this on my own. I don’t need to talk to a therapist.  _  Jim had no plans to open up to her or anyone else. This was his hell to deal with, but he nodded and got up to follow her to the hovercar. “By the time we get back Chris should have the furniture set up atleast and all of our things here.” She looked at him, the concern visible in her eyes. “I know this isn’t home yet. Hell I don’t know if it ever will be, but I will never let anything happen to you again.” 

_      You can’t promise that.  _ He gave her a small smile and didn’t say anything knowing it would only hurt her to hear his thoughts on the matter. His thoughts wandered to the rest of the day as they drove. During the appointment he would probably just give one word answers till she gave up, but school that thought excited him slightly. He had heard that a lot of the schools in the area had special programs for people who were smarter than average.  _ Maybe this time I won’t have to dumb myself down and be bored all the time.  _

      “Mom, what school am I going to?” His mom jumped a little at his voice.

      “So you can speak.” She said with a small laugh. “A private jr. high school that has ties to starfleet. I don’t know how Chris got you accepted, that place is really picky, but I guess with your intelligence it’s no real surprise.”

     “Cool.” he paused for a moment unsure if he actually wanted to know the answer to the question that had been bugging him for a while now. “A-are you going back to space?”  The car was silent for a moment followed by his moms long sigh.

     “I honestly don’t know. I have leave for the next six months at least. I want to get us settled, figure out where we want to live whether it's here, somewhere else on Earth or completely off planet, and have someone with you that both of us trust before I even consider it.”

     He nodded going silent once more.  _ Off planet? Like I could go to space? That would be awesome.  _ The rest of the ride passed in silence, but it felt like the tension had gone out of it. It felt comfortable like they both were just lost in their own thoughts. Before he knew it they were at the office that Mrs. Grayson had rented.

     His mom left him inside so that she could go shopping for food in the house. He stood awkwardly in the doorway until a kind looking woman approached him. 

     “James Kirk?” She asked with a smile holding out her hand. He grimaced at hearing his full name.

     “It’s Jim, but yeah.” He said shaking her hand.

     “Oh, Jim. My mistake. I’m Amanda Grayson. You can call me Amanda if you would like.” He nodded with a slight smile.  _ She seems nice.  _ Not that that changed his intentions he still had no plans of talking to her. This was his hell not hers. He plopped down on the couch she had inside her office and stared at her, waiting almost challenging her to ask about what had happened. She didn’t instead she asked.

     “How are you liking San Francisco?” It caught Jim of guard being asked a casual question instead of something probing and uncomfortable. 

     “It’s better than Riverside.” He answered with a shrug.

     “Why’s that?”

     “More people, More opportunities…”  _ Less memories  _ his brain added helpfully as he trailed off. Amanda looked as if she knew exactly what he was thinking, but she let it go and moved on. They talked about more and more casual safe topics Jim opening up and answering more and more in depth each time. They talked about school, what he wanted to do when he grew up, where he would live if he could live anywhere in the universe, what his hobbies were, and what fascinated him and caught his curiosity. As their time was coming to an end Jim got up the nerve to ask a question that had been confusing him.

     “Why haven’t you asked about what that bastard did?” 

     “Because I know what he did. At least the basics of it, and when you walked in you looked like if I had brought up anything regarding your past you would have either fought against it or shut down. I’m here for you. For whatever you need, but until you are comfortable with me and ready to talk about what happened there is no point in me bringing it up. It would ruin whatever progress we made in you feeling comfortable with me and that’s the opposite of what I want.” He nodded. That made a lot of sense. “May I ask a single question though? Since you brought the subject up.”  He flinched. _I guess I walked into that but we only have five minutes left. What’s the harm? If I don’t want to answer I can just walk out._ After a moment to decide he nodded. “Emotionally how are you handling it.” He chuckled softly.

     “I’m not. I feel numb almost all the time like there’s no emotions there and the few that pop up are muted and fleeting. Sometimes it feels like all of this is a dream or that I don’t really exist. I get lost in my head a lot.”

     “Disassociation.” She said. “It’s a way that the mind can in a way shield you from extreme emotions you may be having. That’s all pretty normal after a traumatic experience. Thank you Jim for answering my question” He looked away uncomfortably. “I will see you next week, but if you need anything don’t hesitate to call.”

     “Yeah see ya.” he grumbled, heading out to meet his mom by the car, and they left to go enroll him in his new school. The whole process was fairly easy, they made him take a test examining his strengths, weaknesses, and interests to create a class schedule that would challenge him. They also explained that they had an online program if he ever moved off planet and more online classes that he could take whenever he wished if he found any that caught his interest. For the first time Jim felt himself brimming with excitement. He would catch up on the course material this week and start his new classes next week. 

* * *

 

CHRIS

     By the time Jim and Winona got home he had the kitchen, living room and dining room unpacked leaving them to unpack their own rooms. Jim looked more animated and alive than he had before they left, and Winona just looked exhausted. He offered to make her some coffee, which she gratefully accepted, but by the time he went to take it to her she was sleeping soundly on the couch. So he finished putting away the groceries she had picked up and went to head home. 

     “Hey Chris come here a minute I have a question for you.” Jim called from his room. Curiously he headed in there and Jim shut the door behind him. “You like my mom.” He bluntly stated. Chris felt his eyes widen in surprise.  _ Shit I thought I was being subtle. Maybe if I play dumb he’ll think he was wrong. _

     “I don’t know what you mean.We’re friends.”  

     “Cut the crap old man.” He chuckled slightly. “This apartment is nice like really nice the kind they give captains and shit. There’s no way in hell starfleet paid for that. And that school? I looked into it tuition is thousands of dollars Chris. Mom said I got a scholarship, but they only give a few of those out each year and never in the middle of a semester like this. No one forks or that much cash for a “friend” and you know it.” 

    “Don’t let your mom hear that kind of language kid.” Chris laughed. “You’re to smart for your own damn good. Yeah I like your mom. I have for ages. She doesn’t know and I don’t plan on telling her. Don’t worry.” 

     “I wasn’t asking because I was worried. I just wanted you to know I knew and that I don’t have a problem with it. Hell you’re better than anyone else she’s dated. Well other than my dad I guess, but I mean I really don’t know so maybe he was an asshole to. Besides I think she likes you. I want her to be happy. She never really was with Frank and now I feel like I broke her by her finding out what happened. So just fix her okay.” 

     “I’ll do my best.” He said pulling Jim into a small hug. Knowing that Jim trusted him and supported him pursuing Winona was comforting. He had planned not to say anything for a long time because it would be too soon after the whole Frank situation and he didn’t want to make Jim uncomfortable, but if he was okay with it.  _ Maybe I will try to say something. I mean I’ve only been in love with her for 15 years. _


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter than usual but necessary no trigger warnings this time, but it will get worse again.

JIM

     “You miss the stars don’t you mom?” Time had seemed to fly by for Jim. As weeks turned to months he started getting back to his old self. He threw himself into school with a passion now that he was actually learning. He continued talking to Amanda every week and really grew to like her. He still wouldn’t talk about anything in depth but she understood and didn’t push. He was happy but the last few days he noticed his mom was not. She chuckled.

     “Stars, planets, the blackness of space.” She paused a moment. “Yeah I miss it. I’ve been thinking. What if we moved in with my sister and her wife? They’ve been living on the colony on Tarsus IV for a while now I’ve heard it's really nice there.”

     In the most logical part of Jim’s brain he knew that regardless of if they did or not she was heading back into space soon. It could be a week or a month or even a couple months, but nothing not even him could keep her out of space for long. Honestly he was surprised. It’s been almost four months. Which is definitely the longest he could ever remember her being home for before. But while a very small part of his thoughts were focused on that, most were filled with excitement. He had never been off planet before and he’d always been drawn to the stars.

     “When can we leave?” He said with a grin. He had no concerns about going he loved his Aunts and his mom being gone...well that was just how his life was. Her face lit up as if expecting him to refuse or something.

     “I’ll comm her and find out when it’s convenient for them. We should probably give your teachers and Amanda a couple weeks notice anyways.” 

     “My teachers won’t care I can do everything online anyways. Is Amanda coming with us?” She nodded with a the first real smile in days. “Good.”

* * *

 

WINONA

     After she was alone in her room she fell into her bed with a long sigh. There had been alot in their conversation she hadn’t expected. Jim to call her out on missing being out in space was the biggest one. She had tried to be happy here she had even been considering a permanent desk job so that she could continue being here for him, but as soon as she started entertaining that possibility she became overcome with depression and longing. She was meant to be up there among the stars. She would stay for the rest of her leave of course, and she would get Jim settled on Tarsus with her sister, but after that she was going back.  _ Selfish. Not fit to be a mother….No Jim was excited when we talked he will be happy there. Even if I’m not there.  _

     She shook off the self destructive thoughts that had been haunting her everytime she did anything that wasn’t completely for Jim’s benefit since everything came out and started to get ready to meet up with Chris. He had been acting weird the last few months and she wanted to know why. Plus she needed to tell him her plans to move Jim to her sisters, and after that she had her appointment with Amanda. 

     The pizza place that they planned to meet at for lunch was small but nice. She quickly found a booth to sit in while she waited for Chris, but it wasn’t a long wait. Right as she sat down he walked in the door. They exchanged hellos and ordered. Chris looked relaxed and happy to see her at first, but she was tense and suspicious. It was obvious that he realized it because after a minute he straightened up and looked more serious.

     “Did something happen? Is everything okay?” He asked now worried.

     “No. I just…” She paused not knowing how to put her suspicious out there, “I need to ask you about some things.”

     “Ask away.”

     “Why? I talked to the school and starfleet. Jim didn’t get a scholarship. It was too late in the year for it. And starfleet didn’t even pay for the apartment much less Amanda!” Her voice was rising word by word. “What are you doing paying for all of that Chris? And even more why did you lie to me about it?” He sighed as she stared at him.

     “I just wanted to help you and Jim. I knew if you found out you wouldn’t accept it.”

     “Of course I wouldn’t accept it you have spent tens of thousands of credits on me and my son! How would I ever be able to pay that back? Is this some kind of guilt thing? Because you were supposed to be on the Kelvin and George wasn’t? Because if that’s what it is we’ve talked about this it is not and never will be your fault.”

     “No no no no it’s got nothing to do with George. Well I guess maybe a little, but mostly no.” He ran his hand through his hair nervously. “I had the ability to help, and so I did what I could.”

     “No there’s more to it than that. Don’t bullshit me Chris.” He chuckled a bit.

     “That’s the same thing Jim said.” He sighed again. “This isn’t how I wanted you to tell you, but Nona I’m in love with you. I have been for years. Before we met George even.”  __ She dropped her cup in surprise spilling ice water all over the table.  _ WHAT?  _

     “What? Wait Jim knows? You told my son you love me before you told me?” She laughed. “Who does that? Why didn’t you tell me years ago?”

     “I always thought it was too soon after George, and then you were with Frank and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship by pointing out how shitty he was to you and Jim.” 

     “You’re an idiot. You do know that right?” He chuckled.

     “Yeah I know.”

     “So what did Jim have to say about it?”

     “He said he was okay with it, and that he thought you might like me too, and that he just wants you to be happy.”

     “Of course he did. He’s a good kid, too smart for his own good though.”

     “Wait are you saying?”

     “Yes I’m saying he’s right. I’ve had feelings for you for a long time, but going after your dead husband’s best friend? Bit of a weird situation.”  Chris’s smile lit up the room. 

     “Wait as much as i hate to distract from this line of conversation you said you had something to tell me? That’s why we were meeting up in the first place.”

     “Oh yeah I’m taking Jim to the colony on Tarsus IV to live with my sister. He’s excited to be off planet, and after everything is settled I’m going back into space. I can’t stay here on a planet. I need the stars Chris.”

     “I’ve already requested you to be on my ship when we leave in a few months.”

     “Of course you did.” She laughed. “Oh shit I have to go meet Amanda I’m going to be late.” She kissed him on the cheek as she left.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Character death  
> I'm sorry this took so long. I would say life got busy but to be honest I'm just a person with bipolar who loses all motivation when I get down.

JIM

     The weeks leading up to the move passed so quickly that he almost couldn’t believe that today was the day that he would finally be going to space for the first time. The trip wouldn’t take too long just a couple days, but then he would be living on a completely different planet. He honestly wasn’t sure which he was more excited for the trip or exploring such a new place. 

     Chris was already supposed to be taking some important supplies to the colony and had somehow gotten permission to take them with him on the ship he captained, the USS Escapade. As the drove to the space he was practically vibrating with excitement. The shuttle that they were taking up to the space station was small but had plenty of places you could see out of. He was glued to the window as the left the atmosphere, in awe of the stars around him and the view of the planet he had spent all of his life on below.

* * *

 

WINONA

     She chuckled at Jims awestruck face glued to the window, remembering that she had looked similar the first time she saw a view like this. He was going to chase the stars when he was older as well. Maybe it runs in the family. The last few weeks has been dragging by at a snails pace with all of the preparations and he own anticipation and longing for going back out to space. As the shuttle left the atmosphere it was like a weight lifted off of her chest. She never liked being on planet for long and this had been the longest she had been grounded for a long time. She had tried to persuade Sam to come with them, but he was angry at her and happy where he was. 

     Amanda would be joining them on Tarsus and staying for Jim when she left, but she wouldn’t be coming for a week after they arrived. She had requested the time off because her husband that she had left was wanting to see her and her son. Neither her nor Jim had met her son yet he was apparently pretty preoccupied with school and was never around even when they met with Amanda socially. Maybe before she left she would get to meet him. 

* * *

Amanda

     Amanda went to meet Sarek at the space port alone while Spock was in school. She needed to talk to him before allowing him around Spock. She was nervous. Definitely about seeing Sarek for the first time in almost a year but also she felt as if something was wrong. Their bond that she had ignored since the day she left was screaming for her attention. 

     Sarek had taught her soon after they bonded to shield her mind and while she had never had any interest in doing so when they were together, when she left she shielded as strongly as she could. She didn’t need him to feel how much she missed him or hear him ask her to come home and whisper sweet words to her that he would never speak aloud. Words of love and emotion that outwardly he pretended not to feel. No she had left for a reason and her own feelings aside she refused to allow Spock to be raised the way Sarek wanted him to be. 

     Concentrating on her shield she cautiously lowered them in concern. He had never so fiercely demanded her attention through the bond before. Immediately fear leaked through.  _ Shuttle malfunction...nothing anyone can do...going to burn...so close to hitting the atmosphere...  _ Fear, grief, and frustration bled through. Amanda stood paralyzed as she shared her husbands last thoughts. She fought back tears as she sent love and comfort towards him.  _ Nothing I can do… I am sorry my wife...myson.  _

     Their bond exploded in pain. She fell to her knees her brain feeling like it had been stabbed. Tears rolled down her face both from pain and grief.  _ Oh my god Spock.  _ He would have felt it too. She ran ignoring everything and everyone around her, bumping into people and hardly noticing as she raced for her car. 

* * *

Spock

     He was at school. It was his second to last day and he had no disappointments about leaving. Terrans ignored and avoided him just as much as the Vulcans had in his last school. Although they did not outright try to hurt him emotionally or physically, where Vulcans thought themselves superior to him because he was half human, humans saw him as too different and did not attempt interaction at all. 

     His head hurt something had been battering his shields for the past 6.23 minutes. Fear seeped into his mind through his parental bonds. Both his mother and father were experiencing extreme fear. He frowned slightly.  _ What would both of them fear? Why can I feel Sa-mekh? I have never felt emotion from him before.  _ He reached out to him with his mind  _ Sa-mekh? What is wrong?  _ Waves of fear washed over him, fear grief, regret.  _ Shuttle malfuction...nothing anyone can do...going to burn...so close to hitting the atmosphere…  _ Panic gripped him the emotions so strong his control broke immediately. His body was shaking and tears were streaming down his face. He lost awareness of the world around him as he focused within.   _ Nothing I can do… I am sorry my wife...myson.  _ For a moment all spock felt from his father was love, acceptance, and regret. An apology made of emotions and then there was nothing but pain. He gripped his desk trying to control his reactions, but it was too much. 

     “Spock!” Voices called as darkness consumed him.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

CHRIS

               He grinned watching the awe on Jims face as he was beamed on to the ship. He was looking around in barely contained wonder. Already he was at the controls asking the ensign running the transporter how it worked. To his credit Ensign Rogers explained patiently and in ways that the eleven year old could understand. Not that there was much that Jim couldn’t understand when he worked at it the kid was a genius.  

               “You want a tour of the ship.” Chris asked with a smile. Jim nodded oozing excitement. He took him up to the bridge to start. Jim asked him and his crew millions of questions about what they did and how things worked. Then he showed him to engineering. If it was possible he seemed even more excited to see the engines than he had been already. After that he showed him sick bay, the mess hall, the rec rooms, the labs, and the observation decks where he could watch the stars to his hearts content. When he watched the stars it was as if watching him fall in love. He chuckled.

               “Want me to show you your room now?”

               “No can I stay here for a while?”

               “Of course I’ll let your mom know where you are, so she can find you later.”

               He nodded and then turned back to stare at the stars. Chris yawned as he turned to leave he was honestly quite exhausted after that tour. Jim asked more questions and wanted more in depth answers than anyone he has ever known. _Of course he did he’s Winona’s son…and he’s already as in love with the stars as she is._

               He opened the door to his quarters and was surprised to here voices inside.

               “Of course that’s fine. Take the time you need Jim will be preoccupied with exploring his new home anyway. Take a couple weeks atleast I insist. It doesn’t get easier not for a long time I grieve with thee Amanda.” Winona hung up with a sad frown and turned to me.

               “There was a shuttle malfunction the day we left. It burned up in the atmosphere. Her husband was on it.” She explained. “She had called to ask for an additional week off to help her son get through it.”

               “She’s a strong woman she will get through it.”

               “I know she will but I worry about her son. The telepathic bonds Vulcans have with their children are strong at this age. He’s in the hospital from the backlash of it breaking.”

               He wrapped his arms around her knowing this had to be bringing back memories of when she lost her husband as well.  She leaned into his touch taking the comfort he offered.

               “They will both be fine Nona. Trust me.”

 

Winona

               “Where’s Jim?” She asked just now thinking about the fact that he wasn’t her and of all the trouble he could cause on a starship. Chris chuckled.

               “Mooning at the stars in observation deck 3. He’s just like you I heard you spent the whole first week you were on a starship in the observation decks just watching space pass you by.”

               “It wasn’t a whole week.” She laughed. “I should go check on him though. Let him know where his room is just in case he decides to go to bed and isn’t sure where to find one of us.”

               She left his _Our_ room with a smile on her face. She was still worried about Amanda and her son Spock, but Chris was right they would get through it it would just take time. Walking through the halls of the ship she felt more free and happy than she had been in months. This was where she belongs. If only Starfleet would allow people to bring their children on missions. Every once in a while their would be exceptions like right now but usually Starfleet was very strict about it.

               She didn’t see Jim at first when she walked in to the observation deck but then she noticed a small shape on one of the far benches. Jim was curled up asleep still facing the stars with small smile on his lips. She left to go grab him a blanket and covered him with it. She also tucked a communicator under his arm with a note on it telling him to comm her when he woke up.

 

JIM

               Feeling someone touch him woke him up instantly. He barely opened one eye just enough to figure out who it was. It was just his mom covering him up and leaving him a communicator. He relaxed instantly not really ready to get up and not wanting to be social so he pretended to sleep until she left again. Once she left he opened his eyes to watch the stars pass him by. _This is where I should be. Surrounded by stars._ He loved it in a way he didn’t think he had every really loved anything more. He had always known he wanted to be in Starfleet when he grew up, but being here, in space, on a ship, made it all real. It cemented his dreams.

               Yawning he slowly got up from the uncomfortable bench. He looked at the communicator in his hand considering asking his mom or Chris where his room was so he could get some sleep but quickly changed his mind and slipped it into his pocket. After all the best way to explore a new place is to get lost in it. He wandered the halls for what seemed like hours before he found himself in engineering. It was much more interesting than most areas of the ship at this hour because it was still very active. People going here and there checking that everything was running properly. Some minor repairs going on, things like that. He wanted to stay and check it all out but he was quickly shooed away when a small fire started. After wandering the halls for a while longer he commed his mom to find out where his room was.

               “I’ll come show you I’ll be at the observation deck in five minutes.”

               “Umm…I’m actually over by engineering.” There was silence followed by a long sigh.

               “Of course you are. I’ll be there in a few minutes. Stay Put!”

               He stayed where he was. Honestly he was too tired to do much else. His mom looked exasperated when she showed up.

               “Why were you in engineering? I told you to comm me when you woke up!”

               “Oops? I was looking for the bathroom?”

               “You are so full of shit.” She said with a laugh “Come on you look exhausted.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about double posting that. Its fixed now thanks for the comments letting me know.

Amanda

               Amanda walked into Spocks classroom to find a very panicked looking class and teacher crowding around her son. He was lying on the floor as if he had fallen from his desk. A little girl was holding onto his arm and crying while everyone else either looked confused or concerned.

               “What happened?” She demanded. The teacher opened her mouth to speak but the little girl holding on to him beat her to it.

               “He started crying. I wanted to ask him what was wrong but I thought he wouldn’t appreciate me calling attention to him, so I pretended I didn’t see. Then he fell out of his desk and wouldn’t wake up. What’s wrong with him?”

               “He’ll be okay. I think he’s just in a healing trance. I’ve got to take him to see a healer.”

               “I’m sorry. I just saw him fall out of the desk. I didn’t know anything was wrong before then. An abulence is on it’s way.” The teacher added looking sincerely concerned for her son.

               “He wouldn’t have thanked you for noticing. There was nothing you could have done.”

               “Why don’t you all head out to recess a little early?” The teacher said to the kids surrounding them. All of them took off running except for the girl who still had a tight hold on Spock’s arm.

               “Are you his friend?” She asked the girl hopefully. She looked away.

               “I want to be. I just don’t know how he’s not very easy to talk to, but I’ve been doing research on Vulcans so I can understand how to approach him better. That’s how I knew not to say anything when I saw him cry. There’s not much I can find, but I’m trying. The language is beautiful.” Amanda smiled at the girls enthusiasm for trying to be her son’s friend.

               “His father died. That’s what happened.” She explained to the girl and the teacher as they waited for the ambulance. “Vulcans have telepathic bonds with their children so he heard and felt his father dying, and when the bond broke when he died the backlash sent Spock into a healing trance.” The teacher looked shocked and the girl just looked heartbroken for him. They sat in silence a few minutes more before the ambulance arrived.

              

Winona

              

               She had never been so frustrated while not on planet in her entire life. Between Jim exploring every inch of the ship and getting in trouble more times than she could count, and Chris going back and forth between flirting endlessly and ignoring her existence for no reason, she was ready to kill them both, and it had only been three days. She flipped open her comm.

               “Jim where are you? We’re supposed to have our stuff repacked today and you’re room is still a disaster.”

               “Science labs…well the green house in the science labs to be exact.” She sighed.

               “Any reason why you’re in the green house?”

               “It’s got some really interesting stuff in here mom. One of the plants tried to bite me a while ago.”

               “Just get up here and try to avoid getting killed or getting into trouble on the way! We have got to get ready. We’ll be arriving on Tarsus IV tomorrow. Aren’t you excited to see a whole new planet?”

               “Alright alright I’m coming. See you in a few minutes.”

               She was really starting to understand why Starfleet wouldn’t usually allow children on board. She sank into her chair with a sigh. She was going to really miss him though. They were talking about a three year exploratory mission. He would be almost 14 before she saw him again. _Would he be okay that long?_ _Of course he would he’s been doing better and better every day and he’ll have Amanda to help him. Everything will be fine._ The door slid open and Jim came in looking almost nervous.

               “Hey mom? I was wondering. Can I just stay with you and Chris?”

               “On a starship? I thought you were excited to see a new planet?”

               “I am. I just…I love it out here. I think I’ll miss it. Plus the crew keeps talking about the three year mission after dropping supplies on Tarsus. That sounds so exciting and fun, but I would miss it and you two if I was on a planet that whole time.”

               “Jim...You know that Starfleet doesn’t let children go on starships in most cases. This is a special case. I can’t just keep you with me. Besides exploratory missions can be really dangerous. I don’t want anything else to happen to you.”  He sighed and looked away.

               “Yeah I know. I guess I’ll get packing.” They packed in silence for a while finishing the job much quicker than she had expected. He started to leave without saying anything.

               “Where are you going?”

               “Observation deck. I want to watch the stars for a while.” She nodded and he left looking sadder than he had since they left Earth.

 

Chris

 

               Toward the end of his shift his Comm beeped. He got up and gave the con to his first officer heading to his ready room to take the call.

               “Pike here.” He answered gruffly.

               “Can we talk?” Winona’s voice came through.

               “Of course. Want to meet in the mess hall or our quarters.”

               “Our room if you could.”

               “Okay be down in a few minutes.”

               He headed there quickly unnerved by the worried tone in Winona’s voice. He knew he had been distant lately, but there had been a lot on his mind, including news that he had yet to share with her.

               “Jim doesn’t want to go stay on the colony.” That wasn’t exactly where he thought the conversation was going to go but it didn’t surprise him in the slightest.

               “Let me guess he want’s to stay on the ship?”

               “Of course.” He shook his head.

               “There’s no way. Starfleet is cracking down on regulations. Even fraternization policies that have always been very loosely enforced are being enforced regularly with more consequences for breaking them. There’s no way they would let us get away with bringing a kid along.”

               “I know…Wait is that why you’ve been so distant outside of our room?”

               “Yeah Number One saw me kiss you when I left before a shift and told me that is anyone else had seen that they would have reported it, and you wouldn’t be allowed to be assigned to my ship.”

               “Shit.”

               “My thought’s exactly. Nona there’s something else you should know. Frank is no longer in jail. Apparently he has friends in higher places than I do. He’s out on bail until the trial, and unfortunately there’s a chance that he could run.”

               “What!? When did this happen?”

               “The day we left Earth.”

               “Jim can’t know.”

               “I know. Trust me he won’t.”

               He pulled her into his arms as she started to panic thinking of situations that were extremely unlikely, but now possible with him out of jail. They both fell asleep thinking of Frank and Jim and Starfleet and how nothing was ever simple for them.

 

Jim

 

               Jim fell asleep in a completely different way than his parents instead of being filled with panic and worry. He was filled with awe, longing and a hint of sadness. The stars passing him by lulled him closer and closer to sleep even though he didn’t want to sleep. He didn’t want to miss a second that he could spend in space staring out at the stars.

               He woke up to his comm beeping. He flipped it open with out even opening his eyes.

               “Yeah?” he asked with a yawn.

               “Where are you? It’s time to beam down to the planet.” His mom asked sounding amused. He opened his eyes to see that they were indeed in orbit around a planet that looked nothing like earth.

               “I just woke up I’m in Observation Deck five I think. I’ll head to the transporter room.”

               “You slept there again?” She laughed. He only slept in a real bed once the whole trip.

               “Yeah be there in a minute.”

               He tried to smooth his hair, knowing it stuck up in a million directions in the morning. Despite wanting to stay on the ship he was excited to see a new planet, and to see his aunts that he hadn’t seen in over a year. He ran through the shit to the transporter room running into Chris as he skidded to a stop. He laughed.

               “I think he’s excited to get rid of us Winona.”

               “No just excited to see somewhere new.”

               He stepped up on the transported next to his mom and the next minute they were on the planet. Tarsus was immediately very different from earth. The grass like plant under their feet was more of a blue than the green of earths grass and it was curly almost resembling something like moss more than grass. The dirt was a rusty reddish brown. Some trees were recognizable as things brought from earth but others had light tan trunks and bright reddish purple leaves. Flowers of different shapes and colors grew in people yards and gardens some that he had seen before and some that were completely new.

               They got a car and drove out to his aunts farm. They lived on the outskirts of the colony about 10 miles from the last house. At the edge of their property stood dense woods that he was excited to explore. They were both really excited to see both him and his mom. He also met the boy they had adopted after his parents had died, Kevin.”

               Once again Jim was in love there was so much to see and so much to do. He talked with Kevin about what life was like on the colony while his aunts talked with his mom about her adventures in space. When the subject turned to what had happened with Frank there voices got quieter and he got up and went outside not wanting to hear them talk about it anymore. Kevin followed behind him.

               “How old are you?” He asked the kid.

               “6.” He answered quietly. Everything he did was quiet as if he wanted to make himself as small and unnoticeable as possible.

               “That’s cool I’m almost 11. So want to go check out the woods with me?”

               “Aria says we aren’t supposed to go in the woods.”

               “Well you can stay if you want, but I’m going exploring.”

               The kid looked indecisive but didn’t follow when he stared heading for the treeline. He hopped the fence that surrounded the property and ventured into the woods. Only a few steps in he accidently disturbed a weird looking rodent about the size of a house cat with six legs. It hissed at him as it scurried away. He walked farther and farther seeing more strange plants and glimpses of a few strange animals as well. After a while he figured it was time to head back, but as he looked around he realized the forest was so dense he couldn’t tell which direction the farm was. _Shit mom’s going to kill me._


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know I said I was trying to update weekly, but depression got the best of me and I almost just deleted the whole thing so I'm sorry it took so long.   
> Also this is the last chapter before Jim and Spock meet and the chapter after that will be a time jump just letting you know in advance.

**Jim**

     He wandered for a while unsure which way to go before he decided to sit and wait for someone to find him since for all he knew he could be heading even farther away from the house. He sat with his back up against a tree and just watched and listened to his surroundings hoping to either hear someone calling for him or see something interesting atleast. His back and neck felt weird kind of a mixture between itching stinging and burning. It was driving him crazy, but he tried to ignore it. Time passed slowly several times he got up to start walking again but he thought better of it each time, but as the forest became more shadowy as the sun set he started to get anxious. Each sound became more sinister when it came from the shadows, he couldn’t just sit there anymore, he was restless and more than a little scared. He didn’t know what all was in these woods. Going alone with no way to know how to get home was stupid and reckless. His walk turned into a run as something moving touched his leg.

     He wasn’t sure how long he had been running when he finally heard the yelling. Panicked voices shouted his name over and over. He laughed in relief feeling silly for being so scared and turned towards the sound and continued that way. When he finally found them the fear was all but gone, but in its place was pure exhaustion. His mom was in tears and his aunts just looked exasperated but relieved. As they walked to the house his mom started yelling.

     “James Tiberius Kirk What The Hell is Wrong With You? You’re on an unfamiliar planet, with no supplies, communicator, or anyway to tell where the hell you are and you think it’s a good idea to just take off in the woods alone without telling anyone? What if you had gotten hurt? No one would have had any idea how to find you. I swear I’m getting a tracking chip implanted in you. Oh my god how stupid can you be?”

     “I told Kevin?” He tried knowing it would make no difference.

     “Kevin is six.” His aunt said obviously exasperated. “Also what your mother doesn’t know and neither does Kevin since we don’t want to scare him and he doesn’t take off alone, is that there are several dangerous animals in these woods.” That got his mom crying all over again. “Not to mention a few plants that even rubbing up against can cause serious rashes and sometimes even need medical attention.” His eyes widened. “You need to learn to identify these things so you can avoid them.”

     “So would this be a bad time to tell you that my back and neck burns and itches like crazy?” His aunt sighed and went over to look at it.

     “God damn it. We have to get him to the hospital. This is bad. “ 

     His mom commed Chris and had him beam them to the hospital. His aunt explained to the nurse that he was having an extreme reaction to some kind of plant he couldn’t pronounce. They took one look at his back and immediately set him up with a room. _Is it really that bad?_ He started to panic a bit everyone was acting like this was an emergency not just some alien poison ivy.  A male nurse came in in light blue scrubs with little tiny bones all over it to do his vitals and look at his back.

     “You have a fever of 104.2. All your other vitals look fine, but your neck, shoulders and your lower back has the equivalent of third degree burns covering them. What did you do rub yourself against it? I haven’t seen burns like that from that tree the entire time I’ve been here.”

     “I didn’t know. I sat up against it. “ He felt really tired and was having trouble staying away

     “Hell of a tree to use as a backrest kid you’re lucky you didn’t fall asleep there. There wouldn’t have been much of you left. These burns will take a while to heal we can use the dermal regenerator on some of it but most is going to have to heal the old fashioned way which means you need to rest. Your doctor will be here in a minute.”

     He reached out and grabbed his shirt. “Why aren’t you my doctor?” the man smiled and freed himself from Jim’s grip.

     “I’m just an intern for now. Maybe I’ll be your doctor someday kid.” He ruffled Jim’s hair and left the room, and Jim finally let himself fall asleep.

 

 

* * *

 

Amanda

 

               “He will regain consciousness when he has healed from the breaking of the parental bond.”

               “It’s been almost five days. Isn’t their anything I can do?”

               “A Vulcan child needs many bonds in their mind to be stable. Parents, siblings, extended family and typically their future bondmate all have bonds to the child. Due to the way he was raised he only had two bonds.  His extended family either would not bond with him due to his mixed heritage or in the case of your family could not without outside intervention which they also refused. He also does not have a premarital bond.  Now his only bond with another Vulcan has broken. He has your bond, but it is not enough. It will take time for his mind to heal and acclimate to having only one bond. He will not be stable. He may be more emotional than he was before or much less. He could also have episodes of both. The only thing you can do that will have any effect is to strengthen your bond with him which I can assist with and help him make more bonds when he wakes. I would suggest a premarital bond at the very least and attempting to create bonds with individuals from both sides of his family.”

               “I will do what I can. Sarek’s family has never wanted anything to do with him, but I will contact them. In the mean time I would appreciate help strengthening our bond.”

     “Very well.”

 

     It was another five days before Spock woke up. She threw herself at him in a hug, tears streaming down her face. He stiffened.

     “Ko-mekh I would appreciate it if you would cease touching me.”

     She immediately backed off but worried at his almost robotic tone. It was emptier than any Vulcan she had ever heard talk.

     “Are you okay?”

     “I am adequate.”

     “Your fathe-“

     “I do not wish to speak of this subject at this time.”

     “Okay Spock.”

     She sighed and smoothed his hair. He stiffened again but allowed it, and they sat in silence for quite a while before the healer came and talked again about the importance of bonds and the side effects that Spock might experience by losing his.

* * *

 

JIM

 

     The healing process sucked. He was stuck inside for almost a week and a half, but he learned a lot about the planet in that time. He learned to recognize what plants and animals were safe and which ones were not. Like that tree he sat up against. It oozes an acid like sap that slowly dissolves tissue. The nurse was right if he had fallen asleep there might not have been anything left to find. He also took a placement test that everyone in the colony had to take. The governor loved intelligence and took anyone above a certain level under his wing and into the private school he started. Jim of course scored high enough to get his attention and was scheduled to start school in another few days. He was ecstatic the whole curriculum was personal to each persons strengths, weaknesses and interests, and was much more advanced and fast paced than even the Starfleet school he was going to in San Francisco. It sounded like a challenge.

     His aunts were both excited for him as well they had already learned that when he was bored he got restless, and when he was restless, he got in trouble. His mom had already left for space. Which was both expected and a little disappointing. He had hoped she would stay for a while longer, but over all he was happy here.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I was wrong one more chapter until the jump I think.

JIM

               He was both nervous and excited. Today he was finally starting school, which also meant meeting the governor, and later that afternoon Amanda was supposed to be arriving. They were meeting for dinner and to talk that evening. Things had changed so much since he had last seen her, he was doing so much better, not jumping at his own shadow and feeling empty all the time. He still had nightmares. There were still days he felt empty, or angry, or depressed, and he still didn’t trust most men, but he was getting there.

               Governor Kodos’s private school was huge, but that was expected he guessed because it was more than just a school it was a multitude of things. It was a giant system of buildings and rooms making up the center of Thana, the biggest city on Tarsus, that contained not only the school, but science labs, the governors home, and government buildings.  Walking through the maze of buildings was intimidating, but he pressed forward with Aunt Crystal beside him, leading him into the administration area.

               More intimidating than the buildings themselves was the fact that when he walked into the room he had been called to sitting behind a desk was the governor himself. His aunt didn’t look surprised and after filling out some basic paperwork she left him there to figure out what his classes would be agreeing to be there to pick him up in a couple hours. As the door closed behind her he found himself utterly on edge. Maybe because it was the first time he had been alone in a room with a man other than Chris or Kevin who didn’t count since he’s a kid since Frank. He had no other logical explanation. Everything he had heard about the governor was how good he was how much he cared about education and giving people the best opportunities they could want. So why did he want to run.

               “James Kirk, as you are most likely aware I am Governor Kodos.”

               “Yeah nice to meet you sir?” The question was obvious in his voice but Kodos ignored it and continued talking.

               “Your placement test scores were nearly perfect, and while you were given the age appropriate version of the placement test, your intelligence and ability to problem solve seems to exceed what I asked of you so I wonder if you might be willing to take the full test, that I would give to any adult who joined the colony? You of course can refuse and I will still have you among the students taught here. I would just love to get a read on how intelligent you truly are, so that I know better where to place you.” He nodded in response as the governor pushed a PADD his way across the desk.

               “Do you personally place all of the students you accept?”  He looked surprised at the question.

               “Of course. Why would I create a school for the most gifted people in the colony only to let others oversee it? I want to know these beings, help shape their knowledge and give them the opportunity to grow.”

               He nodded and looked down at the PADD. The questions were definitely more difficult, some he had no idea on. He thought of guessing but they all had an I don’t know option so he opted for honesty. The test covered everything he could imagine from biology to physics to math to philosophy to language and culture both of earth and alien to even questions of the arts. By the time he had finished it had been much longer than hour or two he had expected this to take. He was mentally exhausted. He put everything he had into answering the questions he had been asked. When Kodos looked over the test his eyes lit up.

               “Phenomenal.” He looked lost in thought. “Okay your science, creative thinking, language, and cultural knowledge are already at extremely high levels. Your math while much higher than normal for your age isn’t quite up to the level of everything else. So my next question is interest’s what do you want to learn? What do you want to do someday?”

               “I want to be in Starfleet. That’s all I know for sure. I think I want to either be a captain or an engineer. I really just like learning. I love learning to build things, languages, science, different cultures. I also want to learn to defend myself.” The governor was silent for a few moments.

               “Courses I think you should take are Algebra, tactics, intro to engineering, intro to astrosciences, self defense and fighting techniques, leadership skills, psychology, and a language of your choosing.”

               “Can I learn Vulcan? I’ve heard it’s one of the hardest to learn and I figure after than everything will be easy in comparison.”

               “I don’t know that we have a teacher prepared but I’m sure I can find one.”

               When he finally left his aunt was waiting outside the office looking slightly concerned, but didn’t ask until they reached the car.

               “What’s the matter Jim?”

               “I don’t know I’m just tired I guess. The governor makes me kind of uneasy for some reason. I didn’t like being alone with him.” He didn’t know why he said that he must really be tired if he was admitting things like that. His aunt frowned in response and looked like she was about to say something, but quickly changed her mind and let the silence drag on.

               “Maybe you should try and get some rest before your dinner with Amanda.”

               “Yeah your probably right.” He yawned further proving her point. It was still early maybe he would take a nap when he got home.

 

* * *

 

 

Spock

               He felt empty, emotionless, _like a proper Vulcan,_ most of the time that is. Other times this rage would build and build inside him destroying all of his control until he lashed out at someone or something. So far it had been his mother both times he had lashed out with others in the vicinity. He accidentally broke her wrist when she reached out to smooth his hair and without thinking he grabbed her roughly and demanded she cease touching him. As quickly as his rage appeared it was gone leaving him guilty for a moment before the emptiness overtook him again. The second he had thrown a PADD at her when she suggested they visit Vulcan to see if T’Pau would meet with them and see about finding him a bond mate. He roared at her that he would not be rejected by his clan again and that he did not want anything to do with them. Both times left him momentarily guilty and then he felt nothing once again. It seemed all that needed to occur was his fathers death for him to start to become the Vulcan his father wanted him to be. A human would find that sad or ironic while to him it was simply observation without feeling or humor behind it.

               “Are you excited to see the new planet?”

               “Vulcans do not feel excitement. Furthermore I have seen many planets mother. Why would I feel excitement from seeing another? I have not heard anything particularly remarkable about the planet or the colony. Am I mistaken?” She sighed and didn’t respond for 27.12 seconds.

               “No you aren’t mistaken. Other than the education system there isn’t anything particularly remarkable about the colony. Some people just get excited when they visit places they haven’t seen before.”

               “Illogical.”

               “Yes it is.” She muttered slipping back into silence.

 

 

* * *

Amanda

               She had always believed  she would support Spock in any path he chose, but this wasn’t right, it wasn’t him. Having only a single bond was effecting him terribly. He wasn’t controlling his emotions like a Vulcan it was as if he didn’t have any except for anger which he had trouble controlling at all. He refused to do anything about it either. He didn’t want to see T’Pau to  try and make bonds within his fathers family, he didn’t want a bondmate, he didn’t want her to convince her family to make familial bonds between them either. He wouldn’t even see a healer. At this point she was frustrated beyond belief and she didn’t know what to do. Sometimes she just wanted to tell him just how illogical he was being, but she knew it wouldn’t help. He needed time to heal and adjust hell so did she if she was being honest with herself. All she had done since Sarek died was push herself and push herself trying to keep her emotions in check to be there for Spock. She knew a breakdown was coming, a human can only push aside grief for so long, but in less than an hour they would be on Tarsus IV and she would have more than just her and Spock to worry about she would also have Jim.

 

* * *

 

JIM

               He woke with a startled yelp to someone banging on his door.

               “Jim! You’re going to be late for your dinner with Amanda if you don’t wake up!!” Aunt Sia Yelled from the other side of the door. He pushed himself out of bed and unlocked the door. “And why’s this door locked?” He looked away nervously.

               “Habit.” The annoyance seemed to drain out of her as she realized the reason why.

               “Alright come on get ready to go your hair is a mess.” He rushed to get ready excited to see Amanda again after all these weeks. The drive seemed slow in his excitement but when he saw her sitting in the restaurant his excitement dimmed. She looked awful, like she hadn’t slept since the last time he saw her, and her wrist was in a brace. He walked up cautiously, worried and unsure how to bring it up. She smiled when she saw him but it was obviously fake even to him.

               “Jim how have you been?”

               “Good. I like it here for the most part.” He responded still frowning at how miserable she looked.

               “That’s good tell me about it.” And he did he told her about running off into the forest his first day, and healing from that, about Kevin, and his Aunts, his disappointment but not surprise over his mom leaving, his excitement over school and all he’s been learning at home.  Finally hey got to Kodos.

               “I don’t know theres something about the governor that makes me really uncomfortable.”

               “Do you think it’s just because he’s a guy?” He shook his head.

               “No. Everyone keeps saying that, but theres more too it I really don’t know.”

               “Well sometimes, especially to people who have been through trauma like you have, people who have secrets or something that their hiding can come off as suspicious or threatening even when the secret is something completely innocent or at the very least unrelated. For example  I could see you feeling that was about someone who was gay, but pretended otherwise because it will always feel like the person is faking who they are. It’s most likely something similar, but you can always request not to be alone with him if he makes you really uncomfortable.”  He sat in silence as he thought about that. _If it’s just that he’s hiding something maybe finding out what it is will help._

“Okay I will…Hey Amanda…Why do you look so sad?” She looked embarrassed and tried to fake a smile. “No. It’s okay you can be sad if you want to. I just wanted to know why.”

               “I’m not sad exactly. Well no that’s not true. I am sad, but mostly I’m worried about Spock. You heard that my husband died and that’s why it took us a couple weeks to get here. Spock hasn’t been the same since and I don’t know how to help him.”

               “I’m sorry Manda. He’ll be okay. I’ll be friends with him and take care of him too!” She giggled in respond and smiled at him for real.

               “I hope you will be friends with him he starts school in a couple days. A friend will be good for him.”

               “Is it hard to be friends with a Vulcan?”

               Amanda laughed again and nodded solemnly. She looked about to say something else when Aunt Sia called his name from the front of the restaurant.

               “Oops gotta go Manda. See you next time.”

* * *

 

Three Days Later

JIM

               He loved his classes already. They were hard and fast paced almost everyone in most of his classes was years older than him, but after the initial “hahaha what’s a kid doing here” he was accepted. Not that he would have cared anyways, but not dealing with assholes always made his day easier. He was on his way to the parking lot from his first Vulcan class. He was the only person in it and it was just as much of a challenge as he hoped. Today he had learned Vulcan greetings. He could almost get the hand thing right, but not quite.

               A pair of pointed ears caught his eye as he walked across the campus. He turned and ran that direction with a smile. He had looking for Spock all day with no luck.

               “Spock!” He yelled. The Vulcan in question turned and stared expressionlessly as he ran up to him.

               “Who are you? I do not believe we have met. How do you know who I am and more so why did you shout my name across the campus?” He laughed in response and then felt a bit embarrassed.

               “Ahh sorry about that. Umm I- I mean I see you’re mom.”

               “I understand. You are James Kirk.

“It’s Jim no one calls me James.”

“I still do not see why you are speaking to me nor why you found it necessary to shout to get my attention.”

               “I just wanted to say hi.”

               “Well now that you have satisfied your human need for useless interaction. I have one more class I must go to. Live long and prosper James.” He turned and started to walk away.

               “Peace and long life Spock.” He called after him. Spock turned to look at him and something like a glimmer of surprise seemed to cross his face for a second, before the emotionless mask was back and he was walking away again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW violence  
> See notes at the end for vulcan translation

 

JIM

 

               Over the next few weeks Jim learned Spock’s schedule. He met him before school, between classes, and at lunch and tried to talk to him. Of course talking to Spock was a lesson in patience. Mostly he would act as if he didn’t hear the human.

               Like most days he followed Spock to lunch, chatting about anything he could think of and getting just as many responses as he would get talking to a brick wall, but there was something different today. He seemed on edge.

               “and then Kevin nearly broke his wrist jumping off th—”

               “Is it human custom to follow a person around and speak endlessly about meaningless things?” Spock snapped cutting him off. He scrambled to think of a response not expecting Spock to say anything.

               “Umm it is if you’re trying to befriend them?” He responded unsurely.

               “Vulcans have no need of friends.” He turned and started walking away. Jim panicked and grabbed the hand closest to him trying to pull him back. Spock ripped his hand away with a growl. “Do not touch me.” He remembered his Vulcan lessons far to late. He realized he had touched Spock inappropriately only as the first fist hit him in the jaw and knocked him to the ground. _Shit._ He curled up in a ball as Spock kicked  him in the ribs.

               “I do not need friends.” He snarled climbing on top of Jim and continuing to punch him. “I do not need a healer. I do not need bonds.” Jim heard the anger turn to desperation and looked up to see tears running down the Vulcans face. “I do not need my father. I do not—”

“Ni'droi'ik nar-tor. S'ti th'laktra.” He said weakly. Spock stopped at hearing him speak Vulcan to him. His eyes widened as if he just realized what he had done.

“No it is I who is sorry. I will call someone we should get you to a hospital. Your nose atleast is broken and I may have broken your ribs.”

 

Amanda

               “Mother. I need you to pick me and Jim up from the school and take him to the hospital.” Spock spock almost frantically through the comm.

               “Spock slow down what happened?” She asked not understanding.

               “I hurt him.” Was his only reply before he hung up. She raced there as fast as she could, but nothing could prepare her for the sight of the two boys. Spock looked panicked, his face flushed and were those tear tracks? While Jim was passed out on the ground blood covering part of his face and covered in already forming bruises.

               “What Did You Do?” she screeched as he picked up the passed out human and started carrying him to the hovercar.

               “I don’t know mother. I snapped and blacked out again. He spoke to me in Vulcan and pulled me out of it. I was on top of him about to punch him again. I think I need to see a healer.”

               “Fucking hell Spock of course you need to see a healer.” She practically screamed at him as they got in the car.

               “I am sorry.”

               “I’m not the one to apologize to.”

               The ride to the hospital was silent, tense and thankfully short. Jim came to just as they were pulling in. They got him checked out and found out that other that a broken nose and some major bruising he would be just fine.

 

Spock

               He was nervously silent the whole time Jim was being checked out. As they were about to leave he grabbed Jim’s arm to pull him aside to speak to him privately. He flinched but followed eyes downcast like he was afraid to look at him. _What have I done?_

               “I apologize Jim.” He looked up and smiled slightly at the use of his shortened name. “I have no excuse for my behavior. I will do everything in my power to make sure it never happens again.”

               “Hey it’s not the first time I’ve had the shit beat out of me and ended up in the hospital.” He said with a indifferently. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have grabbed your hand. I know better than that.”

               “You speak Vulcan?” He asked suddenly remembering the word that brought him back to himself.

“Not much. I’m learning it though.”

               “Your pronunciation is quite skillful for a human.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ni'droi'ik nar-tor: I am sorry  
> S'ti th'laktra: I greive with thee


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the short chapters lately. It's the only way I have been able to update at all.

Jim

               “JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME?”

               “I-“ He started embarrassed that she was yelling at him in front of Amanda and Spock, but she cut him off before he could get a word in.

               “SIA WAITED FOR YOU AT THE SCHOOL FOR OVER AN HOUR.”

               “It wasn’t his fault. I had to take him to the hospital.” Amanda cut in.

               “Why are you calling her when you get into trouble? We are supposed to be your guardians.”

               “I called my mother. I am emotionally compromised by the loss of my parental bond to my father and lashed out and hurt Jim earlier. I called the first person I thought of. I am sorry that in the moment I did not think to inform you as well. It will not happen again. None of this will happen again.” Jim stared at him in shock while Aunt Crystal merely nodded.

               “It better not.” She shooed them out the door quickly and turned on him. “I don’t like him. You have to be careful Jim an unstable Vulcan is a dangerous Vulcan.”

“Well I do like him, besides the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one right? He just admitted to all of us that he was emotionally compromised. I’d say that was a pretty big step.”

 

Spock

 

               “Well what can we so to help Spock?” Amanda asked franticly as the healer drew out of his mind.

               “He does not need help his broken bond is healing on its own. His new bondmate seems to be helping t—"             

               “Bondmate?” He cut in. “I do not have a bondmate.” The healer looked at his mother for confirmation. She shook her head eyes wide.

               “Accidental bonding is very rare, but can happen. It usually happens during a high emotional state. This bond is very new 3 days old at most.”

               “Shit.”

“Spock! Language!” His mother looked at him in shock, the healer even looked mildly surprised by his outburst, but at the moment he did not care. He was bonded to Jim that deserved an outburst.

“Can we break it?” His mother asked tensely. His head snapped up meeting the healers eyes.

“No. Not only is Spock’s mind barely starting to heal from the broken bond to his father, this is not just a simple premarital bond. It is a full fledged marital bond. Spocks mind would not survive breaking this bond at least not now perhaps in a year or two if there is no further trauma.”

“Shit.” His mother echoed his earlier outburst. “Jim is going to freak out.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been so long. My stepdad died and i couldn't really get back into writing for a while. I also started a new job that takes up most of my time.

                                                               JIM  
  
       He knew something was wrong as soon as he walked in, instead of just Amanda sitting behind her desk a nervous looking Spock was waiting as well. He frowned in confusion. Amanda smiled and motioned for him to sit but it wasn’t her usual warm smile it was tight and strained. He sat, but turned to Spock.  
       “No offence, but why are you here? These appointments are private.” Spock shifted nervously in his chair and started to open his mouth to speak, but instead closed it and looked to his mother for help. She sighed, and for a moment no one spoke. Jim got more and more agitated as the silence went on. “Is anyone going to tell me what’s going on?” He started to get up to leave, but Spock grabbed his wrist. They all looked at where their skin touched in surprise.  
       “Spock.” His mother chastised. “Let go of Jim.” He did immediately looking down at the ground. “Something happened. When you and Spock…fought.”  
       “You mean when Spock beat the shit out of me?” Both Spock and Amanda flinched slightly. “Sorry Manda just being honest about how it happened. I’m not mad at him. You explained what happened.”   
       “I am sorry.” Spock spoke up. “But yes when I attacked you something happened. Something I could never have predicted and yet I have no words for how sorry I am that it happened without your consent.” Jim stared at him in confusion. “When a Vulcan has an emotional outburst like that their shields are destroyed in those moments. Our minds touched and my mind being in desperate need of a bond to stabilize itself sought out your mind and found it compatible. My mind formed a telepathic bond with you without either of our knowledge.”   
       “So we’re like Vulcan married?” Jim asked in a voice that seemed way to calm for the situation. Amanda nodded. “Is there any way to fix it? Does this mean you can read my mind?” He asked suddenly frantic.  
       “No unless we were to meld or you projected your thoughts at me I cannot read your mind,” Jim relaxed immediately. “ also the healer estimates that my brain needs atleast a year before it could handle another trauma like losing a bond and that is only if I had another person to bond with immediately after.”  
       “A year huh?” Jim smirked, “Well I guess for a year you’re my husband? What’s a little marriage between friends right?” He laughed. Both Amanda and Spock looked astonished by this response. Amanda sent spock out so she could finish her session with Jim privately.  
       “So how are you really? Spock attacking you, this bond. You are taking it rather well, especially for someone with your history.” Jim sighed sinking into the chair.  
       “I’m not scared of him not like Frank, but yeah that brought some shit up my nightmares have been worse, but this bond will help Spock right? He won’t be as emotionally compromised as he put it?”  
       “It’s already helping him yes.”  
       “I’m glad I get to help my friend, but I mean marriage? He’s not…He won’t expect me to…”  
       “No Jim he’s just a kid too, he doesn’t expect anything of you. Nothing romantic, nothing sexual, hell I don’t think he even expects you to be his friend.”  
       “Why wouldn’t I be his friend? The whole point of me bugging his so much was in hopes that we could be friends!”  
       “Well he did attack you.”  
       “Yeah, but that’s not his fault.”  
       “I doubt he sees it that way.” She paused. “ I have one more thing to ask before you head out. Can I tell Spock some of your history? Just so he can understand somethings.” Jim tensed.  
       “No way in hell. No one needs to know that.”  
       “Okay Jim of course I wont tell him without your permission, but I think you should reconsider especially incase you accidentally project something you don’t mean to. You are human which means you can learn to shield and only project what you want but it will be difficult and a lot of work.” He panicked slightly at the thought of sending Spock things he never wanted him to know, but brushed it off.   
       “I’ll learn then.”  
  
  
                                                               Spock  
  
       Fear and pain that wasn’t his woke him with a start. Mental images of someone hurting Jim, hitting him, kicking him, violating him filled his head. He shouted for his mother. She ran up the stairs and was at his bed immediately.   
       “Someone’s hurting Jim.”  
       “I worried that this might happen.”  
       “Why are you so calm? Someone is attacking Jim we have to go. This man his name is Frank.”  
       “Frank is in prison Spock.” She smoothed his hair. “Try to shield it. This isn’t happening right now it’s a memory, a nightmare. I worried that he would project his flashbacks.”   
Spock finally noticed the hazy quality to the images he was receiving. A dream, just a dream. He sent warm calming thoughts and emotion through the bond and immediately the images ceased as Jim fell into dreamless sleep. “If these are memories you must tell me what has happened to Jim.”   
       “I could lose my job for this.” She protested but explained anyway, by the time she was done he looked ready to murder.   
       “I will protect him. No one will ever touch him again.”  
  
                                                       *7 months later*  
                                                               Spock  
  
       “Come on Spock I wanna show you something!”  
       “Just because I am not running does not mean I am not coming Jim.” Jim sighed and slowed down in response. They walked to the far edge of Jim’s aunt’s farm. Where Jim pointed out what looked like a fungus growing on some vegetables. “I have never seen this before.”  
       “Neither have I. It’s killing these peppers pretty quickly though. I thought you’d find it…fascinating.” He said with a smirk.  
       “I do not say fascinating as often as you seem to think Jim, but you are correct it is,” He looked at Jim with a smile in his eyes, “rather fascinating.”   
       “See I told you. I counted 38 times in one day one time. You love to say fascinating.” He laughed.  
       “That is highly illogical.”  
  
                                                               Jim  
       Within a week the farm was destroyed by the mysterious fungus, ant theirs wasn’t the only one. Surrounding farms within ten miles had all been destroyed and it was spreading fast. Worse still nothing seemed to be able to kill it. A state of emergency was declared, and Starfleet was called. They had stores of food of course but only enough to last the colony 3 months. If the rest of the farms went they would have a real problem on their hands. His aunts got more and more worried as time went on, but wouldn’t share what was on their minds. Within a month all the farms in the area were destroyed and it was still spreading. Food was strictly rationed. It was obvious it wouldn’t be enough if no help came they would run out of food in a matter of months. He tried to reach his mother directly to see what was going on, but he received no response. School continued as normal, and with it his friendship with Spock. The day the letters came no one thought anything of them. He, Spock,Kevin, Aunt Crystal, and Amanda were summoned along with half the colony’s population to one of the government buildings. Aunt Sia looked wished them luck and walked them to the hovercar with a smile, but when Jim looked back as they drove away she was on her knees with tears streaming down her face, and in that moment he knew something was terribly wrong. 


End file.
